23-VIII-1973.
Twentythird, therefore my birthday, the crazy slides from vacation arrived. Granma treated me a certain sum, so I went and bought a slide projector, the simplest one, with just a box, lamp and lenses, no fan no mechanism, indestructible (still is).
Went with some cash to town in the evening, found Gavra and then to Nama to buy wine and rum punch, the punch finding disagreement among the gang, too sweet. It hit me a bit so I took Tejka to Vojvodina for a beer. Told her a lot of stuff, filtered though, there are things she may know and those she may not. There's a shadow of a bit of jealousy (... 2 words...) in her. She remembered those two minutes we had, which we then pushed into oblivion, happened then didn't. And "don't ever tell her, how could I look her in the eyes then" and "appreciate the attitudes" (that about my equality line - if I could have a time off, so could she). So that was done with, and then she suffocated me with her own troubles.
And, ah, yes, I'm an adult now. Don't feel any different.
The next day went to invite her to the birthday party, then Mariška too (just happened to drop by). I'll party with Gavra together, he's a week behind. I found her in some little sideroom(... 29 words...), talked long about how her folks built the house and how my folks do something every (other) odd year to the house. She showed me some needlepoint tapestry (gobelin) she did this spring. Then G. and Mariška came by and he fixed her radio. Then we split.
In the evening uncle Staja and Anica came - he was fixing our window panes so they'd fit tightly and close right, all weekend.
Some rain in the evening so neither of us went out.
On tuesday (25th) I waited for her in front of Dom. We decided we don't feel like getting in, so just made about face to the next kiosk, cigarettes matches. Met Gavra along the way, checked the guests list, 16 to 18 people, list locked.
(... 57 words...)
She said she couldn't eat all day on monday. Oma asked her whether she had tried to smoke perhaps. That gave us a good laugh.
Then she got into one of her silences. So I kept up with mine for a while, then got annoyed, then said I'll end up in a nuthouse if we go on like this. "I'll keep visiting you", she said deadpan. Immortal.
(... 92 words...)
I got an impression that once, when we can't be together anymore, all the troubles and bad luck that passed me by so far, will find me one by one rapidly.
Twentysixth. Moved my room (to granma's). Bored a hole in the bookshelf to pass the power chord from behind. Argued with dad, he won't allow me to paint it, over the same reason: the walnut veneer. To him it's a sacred, high class thing, to me it's ugly, simply wrong color, spoiling the ambient. It ended up with absolute ban of touching it, to which I said long live democracy, to which he, as a communist, remembered that I haven't been beaten in quite a while, having run out of text.
In the evening in the disco my belly was fucking me a tiny bit, so I took a swig of vinjak from Gavra. It didn't work, and doesn't explain why I was so merry all evening. Excellent buzz. The pillars of Dom beat the parachuters (those who jumped the fence so not to pay the ticket). Sleš gave in on her insistence and played two things by Mlinarec. We parted relatively early, saying we'll meet at Gavra the next day early likewise, so she can wash my hair. She'll bring the shampoo, she said.
The next day, 27th, fought dad even worse. I'd like to have a nap, there's a long night ahead, and I had to wake up early, my driving lessons began. He'd like to rearrange stuff in the garage, some slats need to be moved, to make space for sand. Mom intervened, he ran me off to sleep. Then it turned out we were practically finished already. Of course he invents and revokes the work himself. Anything to make me look like a lazy bum who can't unglue his ass from the couch.
I remembered the "best birthday present" and fell asleep with a smile. I woke up on time, dad drove me to Gavra. I carried thirty lepinja (pizza-like buns, about 15cm diameter, 4cm tall), a jar of pickles, the hat, carnival trousers, jacket and some cash. Gavra was in a bathtub and sent me to mother's cunt for bringing no sausage and more music. Went to Bukac with dad, but he didn't have the tapes. Came back, Gavra quickly dried his hair, and we went to Nama to buy the rest. I fucked with him, having told him it's a scathing wind outside, so he took the vijetnamka (US military style jacket), and it was only a quarter košava. We left a message to the guests, made a show at Nama and yet managed to get everything in time, when half the guests already arrived. She came a bit later, tired she said, she went to Novi to submit her paperwork. She brought the shampoo.
The ceremony we opened with champagne, drinking with hands linked. Then I took my bottle to her, she was a tad unwilling but took a swig, then to Tejka and Dragana, then passed the bottle on and returned to her. Before the third rum (two of those were with lemonade) got to me, a conversation like this:
- do you consider me existing?
- you are just a perception
- but that perception, he has left you a heap of material evidence... which you also receive through senses, same as the rest of the world therefore whole world is perception. I don't know in how many instances I exist.
- how do you know that you exist in only one instance?
- that's not what I said, but in this instance of me I love this instance of you in this instance of the world, which is indivisible. Therefore, you can't erase me.
There we went fuzzy, as drinks arrived to our heads. Around midnight I ask for that hairwash(... 50 words...). Various folks passed by, Čarga, J.B. (Jozda has pneumonia, absent), Dragana, Tejka and a few more. The latter was mad, "you didn't need this" (sounds like "you shot your reputation" in serbian). March all into mother's cunt, and off they went. Combination of rum, her and later the warm air from the blowdryer lifted me somewhere high, high... so we landed in that armchair where that guy fell asleep during doček. There we drank... three more rums. Then sort of took off to go home(... 50 words...)
I escorted her around 4:30, return to Gavra and find J.B., Gavra and his brother sleeping in various places. Nothing to cover myself, nothing alcohol-free to quench my thirst. At 9:30 a neighbor woke us up, and we went to school to enroll into the fourth grade. I smudged my birth certificate with mustard. The biologian said she won't see me like this. It'll be tough, lecturing with eyes closed...
She appeared a bit later than the agreed time, brought an LP by Stones, the best of 1966-67, Arpi's pick, because it had motorbikes on the cover. Then we stood at Tekstil a bit and each to one's bus. See us on saturday.
Drivng in the afternoon. Kid and Vanji came by, returned "Boom 72", brought Chicago (5th).
On 29th, worked around the house, probably with the mason. In the afternoon went and replaced those Stones with Melanie - they are from a period before my time, not sitting right at all. Reading "Silent Don". The "1984" (from Rudolf) is at Vanji. Still somewhat sick from reading it.
Thirtieth, driving, the instructor keeps getting me into congestions, to get used to it, and it's congested everywhere, the overpass is being built, so the main route to Bagljaš is either closed or there's some narrow bypass, going through just as narrow sidestreets. The congestion overflows to at least five corners afield, and of course he schedules me to rush hour. In these two hours I sweat the whole shirt.
Later I heard that the city had a plan not to build an overpass but to move the railway beyond town, but couldn't get the money for it from the province (Vojvodina), but got for this.
Worked with majstor in the afternoon, went with mom to buy trousers. Stockholm syndrome was invented. Allende assigned Pinochet to lead the army (I don't know why they omit the final t, the natives do pronounce it). In China the cultural revolution just began, the gang of four takes important positions.
31st, around the house in the morning, with dad in Zajač in the afternoon, granddad is getting worse. I somehow supposed I was seeing him for the last time.
The rooms in the back are some surprise to me, I memorized that in that space (and on the older shots) there was a stable, and to the right, leaning on it, the tiny kitchen and shed. He and wife mostly stayed there, they used the front house sparsely. I have no clue when was the stable partitioned, and made to have two doors. When I was a kid, deda still had a couple of horses, he'd rein them and drive me a couple of kilometers, just to get the sense of how that feels. He memorized that I said that the car was better, as his cart is bumpy (zbumpy, in his version). The feeling is truly weird, when the horses pull it's inaudible and barely felt, it's smoother even than the start of a train. And not a sound. The horses, somehow, managed to pull uphill - there was space between the gate and the road for just that much, he'd pull the brake, go down to close the gate, then run the horses and release the brake. The road is a meter and some higher than the gate, it's a good slope, but horses didn't mind, same jerkless start as on the flat.
Don't know who the woman with children in the door was, could be auntie Janja if she was fatter. tetka she surely is not, her daughters are girls. Probably a neighbor, I don't remember them having tenants. Don't know whose fića is on the left, I see it's a newer model, with larger headlights (Zastava never learned how to make its own sheet metal presses, it always engaged the Italians for that, so any changes in design were reduced to things which hook up or get screwed on, the sheet metal was invariable). The plum[ tree]s are the same ones as of fifteen years ago, their crowns finally high enough to sit under them.
At night, when we returned, I cut my hair. Too bad about all that hair.
Mentions: Anica Tešić, Arpad Gunaroši (Arpi), auntie Janja, doček, Dom omladine, Dragana Vitas (Dragana), Drago Mlinarec, fića, Gavrilo Taroški (Gavra), Gradivoj Buković (Bukac), Jovan Zdanić (Jozda), košava, majstor, Mika Zelenić (Sleš), Novi Sad, Oma, Rudolf Ochsner, Slavica Tejin (Tejka), tetka Mima, uncle Staja, Velemir Prokin (Čarga), Vilmoš Baranji (Vanji), vinjak, Zajač, Zoltan Čonti (Kid), in serbian
25-IX-2024 - 27-III-2026